Psycho.

Copyright © WD, 2021 All rights reserved.

Intriguing title right? I know… lately there has been a rise into the world of psychos and psych related terms. For ease of remembrance for all here are some examples, "sweet but psycho" - A crazy good song by Ava Max, "psychology" - scientific study of mind and behavior, and "psychopaths" - a person suffering from chronic mental disorder with abnormal or violent social behaviour. These are the dictionary meanings of the most popular search words, not what I believe though.

I intend to question things ahead in this blog. And arguably question my questions again because I am confused just like the whole world around me is. Clueless and insane!

Okay so I had this issue, a great issue. I am a calm person, a person who believes that things can be done with sweet words and gentle reminders. That is me most of the time, but then sometimes I turn into a horrendous monstrous "psycho" as my mum says, because I lose it. My general calm, I lose it all and bad. I tremble, cry and do really questionable things, all over some triggers and anger. Those triggers act weird. Sometimes I don't listen to them, sometimes I laugh them off, sometimes I fall prey and other times I grow tired and scared of them. They are like strong voices hyping me up to react both verbally and physically and never mentally. And that is the time I end up hurting people, people I love the most. Good to know that they saw me growing and they know that I have had this issue.

For the past few years I have tried controlling the psycho part of me and have saved the world. Because everyone knows me as the sweet happy little person not interested in the world. That is because anything can trigger my everlasting sadness..what am I a sadistic person? No, I am not. Because I can laugh with people with my heart, not the fake ones. I am human so I do get jealous but that always comes after my happiness for any unknown's success. I remember jumping out of joy on someone else getting a job, and when my offer came I was simply confused, no emotions just utter confusion. I did something really messed up during my own upbringing. Yes! That's what I believe. Parents hand hold till you are about 8 after that you grow yourself. Blaming situations is a human trait, I do it too. But I certainly don't want to blame it on my parents and their parenting. They did all correct what my grandparents failed to do, and when time comes I will do all correct what my parents couldn't. 

Candid photos tell a lot, eyes tell a lot, for me they all remain neutral when it comes to my matters. For others they express, betraying myself. I feel distant from my own self and a constant feeling of ruining myself haunts me. What am I doing? What have I done? Acceptance and getting accepted is a fight we all fight but never say. Everytime a child leaves his toys to do his homework to get a star, he fights. Everytime she changes her makeup to suit someone else's taste, she fights. Everytime a mother makes pizza for dinner even though she hates it, she fights. Everytime a father works extra for a couple of hours to get paid more, he fights.

Everytime I think if I am okay, I fight to accept myself and I fight to get accepted for what I am, a super confused psycho. A psycho who loves spending time crouched near a snail and to watch him walk rather than talk to anyone else. And just the next moment I want someone to just hold my hands and stay. All I want is people around me to accept and love the kid who still stays inside me, not to remind me to stay sane. All I want is to go back to my sixteen and have my first kiss. All I want is bunk classes and climb walls to catch a movie. All I want is to sneak out of the house and have my first drink.

Did I just miss all the fun parts? Was I being too watched over that my fight for acceptance became a bit more than any other person? Perhaps yes. I was being watched by my own conscience. Who should I put the blame of being a total "Do it right". For painting a perfect smiling picture for ages, now even if I try to mix shades of the real me people find me changed and blame it to influences from around. I did myself wrong and callout to all of you who refuse to accept that, please accept yourself at this very moment. Think about not taking yourself seriously and accepting yourself as you and then going around beating the bush seeking acceptance from strangers.

Being psycho is no wrong, crying without reason is no wrong, I know after reading all this people will call out to me calling me depressed but darling at times we just need air, we just need to sit back and talk to ourselves, we need to be real in the fake world and there is no wrong in that. Everything is not as serious as we make it. Depression is real and I know it because I have been there, and my pain will not be understood by anyone else but me and same goes for each one of us. So just bracketing our lives under the big umbrella is not an answer. Sometimes the over exaggerating society takes us to the path we were never supposed to walk. Be a psycho unapologetically, let's love and accept ourselves. And it's more of my inner conversation but you all can listen to it… I think it's okay to miss out what everybody else did, because it kinda makes me different and I love it!

See you on a happier side...I hope you have a great time having self conversations and loving yourself. 🥰💜...Oh and if in case you want to talk... comment anonymously down below!

Love

WD💜