emPATHETIC

Copyright © WD, 2023 All rights reserved.

📷 Serenity at its peak as seen from up above on one of the traveling days

I have been playing with words lately. Easy thing because not many advices flow into, easy because no one reads them these days, easy because the growing feeling of being left around, unheard, unimportant, not that rich, not that pretty, not that in love and not that healthy engulfs me, my soul and body every now and then. Unapologetic, unbothered, just present. I know what this sounds like, I have read about it enough to classify the intensity of my feelings into different words describing the state of anxiety I am in. Moreover, mornings these days are easy. I wake up and say, oh wow, today we are sporting the self doubting anxiety, hence we have to spill the milk, curse oneself for not being able to handle a cup, don’t find the commute, get late for office, don’t find your badge and get even more late, go for lunch and remember that you forgot your lunch, then doubt everything and everyone from top to bottom, feel gloomy, trip on the way back home, tend your pinky toes and sleep without food, because tomorrow has to be another big eventful day and the cycle goes on and on and on. 

In this process when I should be down bad with self pity, I try jumping little potholes while coming back to home, admire the big tree with falling orange flower, the warmth of setting sun, the cold breeze, the struggling faces, the sad and sleepy eyes I try to look for stories, their stories, their lives, pain behind someone’s smile and the unspoken words in silence, I do that too often that it's pretty easy for me to forget about myself. Being an empath can be fulfilling and draining at the same time. It empties my sorrows and completes my joy while making me hollow and deep, everything, all at once. There have been instances when someone totally unknown has shed a tear or two in front of me. I take a little pride in being the shoulder they could not find among the people they love, but I am just that, someone you come to when you are down. Falling in love with people was very easy for me, I thought, their insecurities, their lies and truths, the dark past and the upcoming darker future, is all I need to know to love them. I thought it's only natural to feel for everyone their heard and unheard cries, only to understand it's not. It took me so many years to finally understand I was not a born empath, I created myself to be one. 

I was born selfish, full of pride, anger and jealousy. When I was younger I understood that I am alone so I started pretending, and soon enough pretending was not pretending it became my nature, I found people to be attached to me and I thought I had purpose in their lives so I continued. To the extent that today I miss myself being jealous, angry, being selfish and prideful. This doesn't mean I lost my self respect, it's just that I became a better human and realized just now that maybe I should have stayed like the way I was born. That maybe changing for good is not a good idea in this world that we live in.

It's not that I regret, just a thought that maybe if I was a mean bitch I would have more followers on social media accounts because people follow people who are unattainable, people like me are too much in their reach that I simply become their go to person, one that they don’t necessarily value. Where am I going to go, nowhere. It becomes burdensome sometimes to absorb all the energy around me, mostly that’s sad because we live in a depressed world, feeling low and having nothing to shed off, the feeling makes it even more troublesome. Not being a hugger tops up my frustration. Hugs are therapy that I don’t usually go for, because when I go in hugging someone (mostly my mum) I end up crying like a baby, have a mental breakdown and scare the shit out of anyone watching. Maybe if I would still sport my resting bitch face, I would have not got my smile wrinkles, and I would not bother to practice smiling in front of the mirror so often. Maybe if I was selfish enough I would have all that I was waiting to buy, rather than just saving up for something that I am not responsible for, but no I had the duty to take responsibility, I had it since I was 6, or maybe younger. Maybe if I cared less, I would have a little less complicated relationships with people around me, with secrets that tear me up every time I think about them, or with people who take my genuine care as romantic love and my likelihood to be present as a special treatment. 

When I am on the topic, I won't deny the fact that my normal behavior is to take care of the people around me, to tend them, to try and make them happy and hype them. The world is sad as is, I genuinely want to try and create a happy environment so that people smile a little longer and directly or indirectly the whole process heals me, being hurt is not uncommon, people, words, their actions and life throwing lemons with twisted situations has made it so complicated, so hard to contemplate. Realization hurts. I think I have been on a brain shut since 2020. And maybe I have hallucinations of sparse happiness that I create in and around me. What if all the smiles and laughter and everything in between was a lie. Shivers down my spine. The year has shown me too much more than what I could ask for (I would actually never ask for it, having an actual roller coaster ride is not good for anyone’s heart, but fine what's done is done), not just 2023, 2022 was hard as hell too. For 2024, I just want to be out of this hell, the torment, the thoughts, laugh genuinely, not because laughing will make me more approachable, get up the ladders I have left untouched because I simply couldn’t find the power in me to do so, love myself a lot more and take back the maps to my destination in my hand, more importantly find a destination rather than just passing through the mist. And come out of the space of the unknown. Cheers to the times ahead and obviously to the times that made us what we are today!

“What we probably need right now is the courage to be disliked, and bear the fact that someone is disappointed in us. And yet, our need to be loved and our need for other’s approval, makes us take a knife to our very souls, to sculpt an idealized version of ourselves. And that is why we are always unhappy and in pain.”

                                                                                                                              -Daily Dose Of Sunshine, 2023

Until next time, be better and beautiful!