City Lights

Copyright © WD, 2021 All rights reserved.

^{I have been totally out of contact nowhere to be seen and not heard my own thoughts. What has that led me too? Ask me the one who did the deed I got screwed at so many fucked up levels. Huh I started to live as a grown up, shit that sucks, I wanted to be a kid again. I am a kid at heart everyone is. Being an older child in the house I found authority in my actions way too before than the people my age do. Things that people understand at 30 I did them way too early in my teens itself, be it value of money, emotions or people.}

 

^{The last thing I learned was to love myself. I believe everyone among us must have done some questionable things in life, and we will do them even in the future, that is a part of life where everything is organic, nothing is scripted yet scripted. We are the actors who have been given the liberty to act just as we like, however when we react the script changes the next day, some next level daily soap show in the making. Entertaining no one but ourselves. Look at the past that we created, stupidities that made me cry then, they make me laugh today, and those happy days now make me sad makes me feel the void that was filled with laughter and people I loved then, some of them are not with me today or maybe are, but not really. I am no abnormally good person; bad deeds are the part of a human soul and I am no less of a human than any other in this world. The shit of my past 4, 6, 10, I cursed myself for too long for everything that happened, I bashed myself way too much for every wrong step I took and closed myself till I was 20.} 

 

^{Ten years of growing out of the teenage years never for once I appreciated myself for anything, never did I see myself properly to say on my face that how great I was, how good I did, that I am better than the people around me in at least one thing. I was just one blind person trying to prove, prove my worth. One fine day I found the courage to see me, to embrace my beauty and say that I am proud of who I am. But that unseen script had another fucked up plot twist. Things happened. My Pandora box of hate, cruelty, anger, what ifs, blames, doubts, jealousy and self-pity broke open. Like pieces of shattered glasses, I had to pick up everything and put it back in the box. Glass has sharp edges. It cuts through you. These cut glasses were not cutting my outer skin, they gave me scars internally. Maybe they were unnecessary maybe they were just born from my over calculative, overthinking and analytical brain maybe my over observation let me to wrong understanding of the situation, yet again I found ways to cover up the wounds, after months of not seeing myself in the mirror I found the courage of matching my own eyes, and not just accepting my existence but loving it. Loving me with all my flaws and in all my beauty. The journey was painful to the extent that words can’t explain but with every painful night the tears that I shed in silence stopped flowing, the heart found a rhythm to dance to the beat it heard, my confidence and zeal returned back. This time it was better and I thought it could not be broken. When you build yourself after a breakthrough you build yourself stronger than before, covering up all the weak points that were left the last time, I feel that prepares you for the D day, the day when the broken soul leaves the body that cannot build itself from breakage. The day when we die, we are the strongest because we are the ones to fight an even bigger fight later.}

 

^{This was the time I decided to become the productive version of myself, and started using my brain in its entirety of 360 degrees, from cognitive to arithmetic and literature to coding. From thinking that I am not good enough to I deserve the best; the journey was remarkable in so many ways. There were several factors to that success, love from my family and my best friend, the only person who was external but became a part of my daily life and then BTS. I soon got a job to keep myself busy.}

 

^{Thanks to that job I left my support system behind 1442.1 kilometers apart. The sky, the stars and the moon everything seems new, they have not yet convinced me to be the same, the one that I used to gawk at from my room’s window are too shallow to look at right now sitting in a high rise building which has more city lights than the stars above in the sky, where the lungs are either filled with smoke or the curated, artificially cleaned conditioned air. The place is cold and even when the temperature is too high I have to wrap myself into a duvet to be able to sleep, the bare minimum. Things that pleased me vanished like my favorite pastime story. It felt like that favorite pen without refillable ink and just one last signature is left, but I don't want to throw it away so I don't use it anymore, just to keep it for forever. The memories of the past are fainting, since I also stopped journaling. The details are lost between the minute and hour hands moving but insignificant until I sit and ponder where it went. As Kim Namjoon once explained that the word future in Korean language is made up of two words, the first one means “not” and the second one means “to come”, which when put together means “not to come” referring to the not so sought-after fact that there is no future, everything is now and now is the moment to live and remember if you want to.}

 

^{To every person who has made me feel good in a moment I am thankful and grateful, to all the people who have hurt me if not me someone else will make your life a living hell, that’s basically how the world dynamics work so all the best because I just hope I never have to take my revenge, I am not built that way. Until someone forces my genes to acquire the change and become the devil of your worst nightmares because I have the capabilities I know for sure, and so does everyone reading this do too.}

 

^{The silent fights that we have every day, the fight that kills a million brain cells and a part of our heart, the fight that takes away the energy from our soul, they do give us something in return. The wisdom to live in the present and love momentarily, the people who stay will have your momentary and fresh love forever. It's their luck and your chance to give and stay the same, be a kid and never change. It gives the strength to stand straight even when the soul is sucked out of energy, to smile at the pain in the eyes and say “No, Not Today!”. And also, the eyes remain healthy from all the crying and have a clearer vision! The people who have been fighting depression, loneliness, anxiety and every other feeling that might not have been named something fancy and popularized by young influencers and budding psychologists on Instagram reels, you are heard, you are seen, it’s just that people find it difficult to praise you for how strong you are, sometimes its ego problems sometimes people are just shy to admire. But I am the admirer, with loving myself, I am gifted with a power to admire your fights and beauty as well. So, go get through it, through the city lights into the lights of nature.}

^{Love you.💜}

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