Forced Into Solidarity

 Copyright © WD, 2021 All rights reserved.

Author's note: I recommend not to read it if you are very gloomy today! I wish you all the happiness, peace and love💜

Where did I go different?

Where was my path diverted?

When did I grow up?

Why did I grow up before everyone my age did?

What am I feeling right now? 

Is this what she would have wanted? 

She, who was fond of colors, games, and telling those never-ending stories which were a mix of Tom and Jerry, Harry Potter, Richie Rich, Stuart Little, and Popeye. Or Spiderman who married Princess Merida or Rapunzel who never had to cut her hair or those fantasies of living in a fairytale imagining a knock on the window from Tinkerbell and talking endlessly to the moon.

She has always been observant. Turning a blind eye towards things was always very difficult for her, and so she would see and understand everything around her. By the little age of four she got a taste of the world she was living in, the bitter taste hit her still forming taste buds.

And as her days passed she started understanding the meaning of everyone's intentions around her, she developed senses to sense people before she could judge them, and now she believes it.

She grew up a million years ahead of her age when that night moon did not come to help her, rather remained where he was. That night her fairytale dream broke because she understood the moon never really talked to her, and all those ten years it was her speaking for both sides! Reality struck her hard, gasping for air and water, tears filled with distrust and disgust welled her eyes, her feet did not touch the ground as she tried getting away from her bed. Stuffed and choking she wanted to run away but she stayed. 

I stayed, I grew up and chose to live with nightmares no one can change. All my fairy tales were broken into infinite pieces, and no one could ever understand. I hopped schools every year or two, new city, new people, I cried every time I had to leave my best friend behind, every friendship band that remains with me, but people gone, left somewhere in the path. 

They all had someone with them, who moved ahead all alone?

It was me! 

I have changed a little every day and with every blow, I have become a little more fragile. Losing my strength on the inside but growing strong on the outside. 

Or maybe I can say every passing day my mind becomes a little bit more strong, it has lost any exclamation towards how "humans" around are. But my heart remains naive and weak. It takes the blow, too hard. I am already made of broken glass, and it feels like it has already broken. 

I was never a person to stay quiet and stay alone, but by the time I was 15, I knew how no one ever really needed me. I was just a go-to friend, they talked to me because "she was most sensible", "she had her work done", "teachers liked her", and "she had the best notes in the class". I was part of the most popular group of school because while they were busy being popular they needed someone to teach them before the exam, and still score less than them. I was the one because I wrote unconventional answers, my teachers always told me to understand less, over understanding nature of mine never gave me the results that I wanted.

And at 15 I had my last school, my second day at school was an exam, with all the shifting and despite having no books or notes I still managed to score the highest in my new school, I smiled to myself. Even if unreal, even if with mean intentions, I will make friends, I will not have to be alone, I thought. I feared being alone and quiet. But things went the opposite, just like that big beautiful firecracker that changes its direction, and instead of going up and mesmerizing everyone, it hits you! It hit hard and burnt me, I made enemies over friends, people who were fighting their way into being in "the group", short skirts, tight shirts untucked, a ponytail, and the mascara they were different from me. I still dressed up as the kindergartener knee-length skirts, crisply pressed new shirts, two plaits braided perfectly, I was the ideal student a teacher would want, and students would hate. I was forced to be lonely. Knowing how insignificant you are in everyone's life hurts… as you can be cropped from all their physical photos and you never existed in any of their memories anyways… it hurts!

I was too alone to understand myself better, and so with time I changed my loneliness into solidarity, and I was growing to learn and love to be me in my presence.

Growing up is an angelic process disguised as a demon. What I thought ruined me, maybe I was wrong after all, nothing that happened ruined me, they created me. I am still in the making, the finer parts of my sculpture are being made. The constant blows from the world craved the best shape to my sculpture. Even if I was forced into solidarity, I learned to control a majority of my feelings. I became my enemy and my lover. 

When I do things thinking no one will ever know, I summon my enemy. Anybody never mattered, me knowing what I did is enough to eat my soul out, and so I end up being my enemy.

During nights when my cold self needed human touch, an embrace that could feel my tears falling, I have curled my own hands around myself and hugged myself. I am my lover. 

A bigger blow came in September of 2020, I don't remember anything, I just remember crying without making a sound, I remember scratching myself like a lunatic, and not looking at the mirror for days. Still, no one even had the slightest doubts about my inner being. Thanks to my personality, I am one of the best players of play pretend.

I have had days where songs in my ears have let to bleed my eardrums, and I have wished to throw all the things in this world. and maybe just lay back in a calm river counting the stars above.

At the end of the day, I remain helpless and clueless. Not knowing why did I do a certain something,  or why did a certain something happened to me. But I also remember, there might be countless big scary waves in my ocean, I will always find a ray of hope, sometimes it will be hidden behind clouds or sometimes it will be just a little star twinkling at me and telling me that things will get better, with me and only me. Provided some help from people and entities that can save us and help to sail through just like a remedy of a previously incurable disease. 😇

And like I have always managed to get out of the dark place that people usually call "depression", sometimes for myself and sometimes for someone else, I will continue to stay here and strive. I refrain myself from calling it a "depression" because its not just a dent a low point, as a person who was there I know its more than what are explained on papers and books, or even expressed by others. It is like a DNA, similar in 99.99% still unique in 0.01% ways and so I refrain to name it so generic. You decide your own fate, you decide how you tackle your own unique issues, with support or alone, by pretending or by expressing but please just remember to come out.

There is always someone who needs you, a lizzard, a cat, a dog anything just be out for yourself and them. See you all better than today the next time we meet. Take care baby soul.

❤💜❤