Just an Average Human

Copyright © WD, 2023 All rights reserved.

Hi there, I hope you are doing a good job sitting somewhere trying to gel in and understand yourself and others around you. The world cries and tries to tell that “you” are “special”, “you” are “unique” and all other things, after all you came into this world after winning the race between an average of 175 million other potential “yous”. But no one tells us that it's 8 Billion people outside as well, fighting, running and probably killing each other for the exact same race that happened inside, “LIFE”. It's harsh how everyone always tries to defy and never let out the reality. So let's talk in some real sense as I could comprehend. 

First thing being “Illusion”. A very finely and conveniently curated illusion of what we are, has been created generationally step by step, call it trends, call it generation gap or development, it's all illusion. Deep down in our skin and bones we are all the same that we were thousands of years ago except the metamorphic changes that happened as a result to the adaptation to the generational changes, for example my parent’s phone screen remains on highest bright side but my eyes however squint are okay with the lowest screen light. So coming back to the illusion of us, isn’t it strange how we never questioned how a whole family of the unknown came into existence as soon as the first ray of light touched our skin and named us something that they might be dreaming of or maybe sometimes totally random. Somehow the majority of us become a play toy for all of them for 6 hours, a crying mess for the next 6 hours and sleeping soft toys for the remaining 12 hours. The ones not in majority start an adventure early on that might not be as pleasant as it should be but they still become the strong fighters of the future like everyone else, just on different timelines. The early days frame the illusion of the future we have, which is actually miserable for all just with different thresholds and storylines with different frequency of pulsating happiness, that is again an illusion. I mean in simple words, is it happiness if it will someday be a memory that hurts. The memory of first love but that was toxic and we never got to know about it and all those happy moments turn bitter when you look back at them, or the broken friendships which left your mind until one day you find the text left on unread, or that photo from beach which captured the happy family on a summer break, the family which has not been together in years now.

Come to think about it, we are just fighting for all these momentary flickers of happiness that have sadness on the other side of the forever rotating wheel. Sometimes we just miss out on all the things that we sacrifice to achieve something. I really wish achievement was a little easier feat, maybe that’s the reason why it becomes a distinguishing factor. But in my eyes even an achievement is an illusion, maybe for me being able to go to watch the Northern Lights is an achievement, but for someone else getting a plate full of food to eat at night is an achievement. We were born into the illusion to be able to create illusions for ourselves later.

After the world of illusion is set the decoration of it starts, the first thing that decorates it is “expectations”. The famous “if you do this you can achieve this”, everyone simply turns a blind eye to the fact that if it's not meant to be it won't be whatever efforts you put in. Power of manifestation is gaining popularity lately in the world, where I do believe in its concept, the complicated concept of energies dissipating and flowing across. There are people who take away the energy; just a look of them and you feel drained, and then there are people whose small “Hi” can give you energy to work the whole day tirelessly. These people are also relative to everyone. Someone who drains me might be someone’s light, that's basically how the equilibrium is maintained. We humans are made with expectations aren’t we, the day we were born someone whispered, her big head better make her a doctor. We grow up with those expectations, then expect something from the others in our lives as well. Love and acceptance with a little understanding from the parents, inclusiveness from the peers, praises from lovers and a part of everything from friends. I personally expected the most from my friendships throughout my life. From the youngest of days sitting near the kindergarten class teacher, when I would trade my sandwich for a friendship forever, or years later when I asked them to fill up my slam book in exchange of a little smile and tears rolling to keep memories of me even if they forget my name years down the line, to finally accepting adult friendships which are need based intimate relationships where you grow together for a while till you grow apart staying happy, cheering and loving everyone who comes along. This made me put an effort to think that maybe, I should draw an outline of my lover, and now all my understanding ends when I draw the idea of my lover, who has to love me, understand me, be okay with me expecting everything from him and him not expecting anything but bare minimum of my existence. As harsh as it sounds, the idea of having a lover haunts me so I have done more than my job already to think about having one! Poor guy, I do feel bad for you.

I have never failed to emphasize on the next point, “Being Pretentious”. I don't know the real me that well either, that's a fact not everyone is ready to accept. It's funny how everyone around here is not ready to accept the only truth, that in itself is an irony, that we don't know who we are. Faces of people who walked on earth years ago, voices like a mix of favorite tequila from one’s maternal aunt and paternal cousin, core personality like that friend from kinder with a cute smile, walking like that hot guy smoking cigarettes next door and having new tattoos every other day, smiling with no teeth because that looks more aesthetic, smelling like that rich cousin because taking their perfume was your birthright and dressing like a H&M store, we change and become a part of everyone that comes into our lives. Some of us in this mixture of flavor try to become extra with “peer pressure” and very efficiently ruin a perfect and unique Sunday into some sweet textured goo. There is no wrong in going out there being vulnerable, trying different things, laughing at all the wrong places but then people like me exist. We care a little too much about the image. Usually the good ones, quiet ones, bubbly and smiling with a wide smile. They don't know how many times I might have gulped all the mean shit I would have spit out of my mouth otherwise, they will never know how many ways I have already killed a person in my head all while talking like a nun to them and they wont ever understand how much of my heart carries the weight of hate and bitter to write talk and walk on flowers and heart eyes. It's just my leveled up game of pretend. Just a quick tip, don’t, please don’t test anyone like me near you. It will be shattering for you to know that people like me knew all your games and still played it till we could take it, until today when they decide that they need a new phase. I read somewhere that our hair carries emotions. No wonder every year from somewhere deep within I feel the unbearable need to chop my hair off and I do it. I try to change my personality after every cut, but after months I come back to what I was, ever changing but still the same me. Still someone remembers me from 15 years ago, as the one who stayed back in school to smile and wave off a goodbye. That's the most human I can be, apart from crying for almost anybody who is in pain and is affected by the illusions of being in this world. 

Its forevermore interesting for me, to see what’s next, how are things going to unfold next, because days are flipping in and out with an extremely fast pace, I am not getting any moment to sit and contemplate all I am feeling is fleeting moments of happiness, loneliness, love, anger and every other thing it's like the 15 second of reel that swipes up to change into another emotion. Even though it's all very monotonous the days are very new, very different. I am very different from what I used to be. But still hustling my way through being one of your average human beings with some extraordinary shit monologues in the head!

See you on the other side of whichever side you are today. :)