A letter to BTS
I was one of them, who laughed when I saw half red half blonde haired Taehyung in the song Idol, I was the one who did not find none of you attractive at all when those girls were dying in my school with every release of photos before the song. I was the one who thought who would wear such colorful clothes and why, how happy they would be..
I was not in a good space, sometimes senior years of school can be tough too... people who seemed happy, I would despise them. I never bothered myself with your existence...now I feel I should have atleast tried.
I was too busy getting my mental status to the worst of what it could be. I was a precocious girl and overanalyzing has been a part of me since I was born. I did not find you then. Maybe that myth that goes around in Bangtang world about how a person finds BTS when they need them the most is true. My ignorance towards your existence never affected me...I was busy hating the little curious girl in me for things she had no control over. I was occupied in thoughts of ending what I did not like. I was running away from myself questioning my existence my self. Killing a part of me by myself everyday, till one day I heard you.. not the fancy upbeat you. But the other you. The you with strong emotions and lyrics. That time when the language made no sense to me but the feelings did. From my small screen of phone how I got the impression of what you actually were.
That day your cover of Fix you led out the weight of too many things a young woman was trying to hold. That day when I heard "inner child" I was forced to embrace the child that I used to curse. That day when I heard "Butterfly" I accepted how my life is important too. I don't share, I can't share the part when I am at pain, but that night I cried all that weight out of me.
The connection I felt with Taehyung's deep eyes and voice, Namjoon's sincere gaze, Jimin's assuring smile, Hobi's cheerful laugh, Yoongi's assuring grandfather like nod, Jungkook's big bambi eyes and nose scrunch and Jin's infectious dad joke laughter, I might not be able to explain it in words how my brain chemistry changed, and with that how I changed.
From not looking at myself for days.... to finally loving my own skin you were the only people who silently stayed by me, no one else knew, no one else understood how the abstract generalized lyrics hit me at places and fixed things that were shattered.
To some days back when I was again in the quicksand of negativity, when my world changed it was you who remained same, who made me smile, who made me sleep on the coldest of nights, all alone it was you who was the blanket keeping me warm inside.
And this is just a part of how I fell in love with you.
Pure love, pure love is the only thing I have for you. Beyond gender, age, race, language, fashion, money etc etc...as a human to another human born in the same era, I am glad I met you when I needed you the most. I am glad that I have choosen to keep you in my heart forever. Not as a teenager who likes you for how dashing you look, but as a woman who loves you for what you have created, the thoughts behind it, the care and sincerity behind it, the love and respect behind it.
I love you Bangtan for being Bangtan, for being 7 forever.
To 10 years of us...to finite infinities of us. I love you.
Borahae, apobangpo💜
WD💜
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