Anti Hero is still a Hero!
Not long ago I was preparing hand gestures to sync with my poem recital in that red polka dot floral frock paired with ankle length boots and pinned up handkerchief in a proper triangle. Not long ago I was running with tiffin in my hands to catch that "always on time school bus". Not long ago my head was bobbing from one side to the other and I was drooling over my shoulders on the one I was sharing a seat with, that child next to my seat back from school.
The memories are too fresh for the demarcation of past and present. They keep me fully occupied, not leaving a single room for the future… so anything that's next is foreign to me. And like any foreign particle entering the body, the future initiates a very strong defense mechanism. A mechanism that works with the sense of eliminating all the possibilities of its stay, its existence.
This is what is happening with me right at this moment. I am weak. I am vulnerable. It doesn't hurt but it kills the insides of me. The future haunts me. I am senseless like a brain dead person mechanized to do certain things. A robot with a body and a dead soul.
*Time Lapse*
My fear translated into reality, the future I feared is now my present. The series of events took turns and I have no explanation on how things escalated the way they did. Where am I now? Back to square one. With one healing brother, suddenly aged parents, and mentally and physically exhausted, drained me.
*Time lapse part 2*
IT'S GETTING WORSE!
*Time lapse part 3*
Good that I stopped last time, or you would have heard me crying through each and every word I wrote. But hola again I am alive, and I am not crying. I learnt a very important lesson “acceptance”, because when it comes to life at times you don’t have any option but to accept. Four years ago at the same time I was in a mentally exhausting existential crisis, I had pillars around me to support me and tell me I have it all to make things work. Today I have them but their physical warmth has changed into a signal transferring from a small screen of my phone, but I have found some new people who have extended help in ways I would have never asked for, I had a shoulder to cry on, someone to feed me when I thought I lost all my appetite and someone to tap my head to sleep. All these people who have heard me rant and still sat and listened to me, I wish I had words better than thankyou for them, I wish I could actually say it out loud that this life transition would have been so difficult without this extended family of mine.
It does get difficult on many levels when it comes to expressing the emotions and feelings so any of you who is struggling better go and say it *As if it was that easy, never mind I could never do it, so I do the random hugs treatment, or maybe blabber about my love for food or something to make them feel I am a close kin, and not a distant alien. Try that, it works, I think!*
So yeah I would have totally broken my one code of conduct while writing blogs, “Not To Make This Sound Depressing”, because people, surroundings and situation all were depressing for a while, some people say I act like a Princess, well yes of course I was a Princess in my home sweet home. But now what, I am out, my King and Queen are far far away, my brother Prince is not around to laugh things off with me, my little protected home kingdom is still my safe space but it's far away, I struggle to find the once well of appetite, I struggle to sleep on cold nights and I actually miss my blue-tooth like connection, where I was not wired to the three most important people in my life, but my proximity to them was required for my brain, heart and body to work. And look at me now back to writing when I am running on the 3G network, catching up the unstable signals. I was living in a dream in a safe space where everything was at its best (most of the time)… What I had to say my parents on this translates to, "Don't worry about anything, this is just a turning phase, where the Princess of the house is turning into the world's queen". I honestly don't know who in this world has such pep talks, but my own words never had much impact on me until I said the latter. And that brings me to my next important lesson learnt, “affirmation”.
We as humans lack affirmations in life, life has its own way to test all our limits to push us on the verge of end just to hold you back. “Life” in my life is the anti-hero, it loves me in most toxic ways and I am in that relationship, where I drastically want to end whatever is going on, cut all loose ends, have a change of names change my whole existence and overnight I start wearing the Prada dress, and become the devil-est version challenging the anti-hero, my life. That’s when my brain tells me I have bills to pay and no money or confidence to wear the devil’s Prada. So again back to square one I am here writing down everything sitting in my pajamas designing my own version of Prada and Balenciaga in my head. It doesn't need money at least. And the sassy which came in free with affirmation increased my already over the moon standards to the next level in outer space!
And as I have always been a believer of embracing the ever changing newer version of oneself, cheers to this version, who is stronger, sassier and better than who she was yesterday. Kudos to the one who were finding everything with hazy vision as the tears welled up in eyes. Today they are down and the vision is better, the dried trail that they left will stay for a while just to remind us how we started and where we came from. I sometimes think, what if this is my last life, I want to exhaust this body to the level where my soul finds that last final goodbye that it deserves. With all the past lives I am sure this soul must have gone through so much, with scars dating back to centuries, I want all of them to be forgotten when it walks the final stairs into the finite infinities of light, love and rest. Don’t be hard on yourself, no one judges you when you laugh at times when the world, and your anti hero expects you to cry, rather it's just a way to win even when you are losing the battle. Don’t be hard on yourself when things happening around you are not in your hands, when you feel like a still in that time lapse video and everyone around you is moving at an unimaginable pace.
Because the truth untold is that we all are trapped in our own stillness and our own boxes of hard walls which shrinks a little every time we fall prey to life, the only breakthrough is to make oneself a window to breathe through or climb these damn walls and break free. I have drilled myself a peephole hoping to meet you through that, and let's pump each other to break free, till then let's fight and stay..
I promise, next release is going to be a sweet sweet story, no serious stuff. Take care ☮
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