Regret

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Am I getting sadder everyday? Don’t ask, even I don't know why I feel such deep remorse in my heart. It's like I am missing someone so bad, but don’t know who. It feels like I have heavy weights kept on my chest making me struggle to breathe. My muscles are all cramped and powerless, and I can't even pick up a glass of water. I don’t have the slightest strength to get up from where I have been sitting for about 7 hours now. All I want to do is sleep, because there at least I have a chance to see a good dream over a nightmare, the chances are low but still there. Strangest part is, I feel sad, I feel overworked and underproductive, anytime someone asks me about my life goals, plans and dreams I don’t have anything to say but still I can not find the power to cry out loud, to share my misery story, to show my darker side and be vulnerable. Why so? Have I not found the people I can be miserable with? Why do I have to worry how my weakness could be used against me rather than to just get it out of myself? Why do I feel like wasting everyone’s time with what I say when they might have bigger life issues, which they are not even telling me because of my useless little life crisis?

Isn’t this something we all have gone through? I think this is the issue with depression, once you get in, it becomes difficult to differentiate between other emotions collectively and depression. Everything reminds of the time when we were hitting the rock bottoms of our lives till now. I don’t think anyone can save a certain part of themselves when they are being wrecked by timeless anxiety, sadness, self doubts and existential crisis or all kinds of the things, feelings and emotions I can not even name because they are not yet named, no word is made to describe it. A very prominent one feeling out of all the red flagged feelings is of regret. It has been named good, gives a rich big word vibes when you say it, “regret”. 

Living with regrets is such a hard thing, it’s like running with weights and doing some hard core strength training both mentally and physically because we always sleep with thoughts of “what ifs”, “could have beens” and  wake up with things to complain about. I am having a sudden epiphany, expressing these feelings as a preacher, a third person away from it is so easy, as I type I already feel elated whereas in reality I started writing because I was in the loop of having the exact same thoughts mentioned, no one’s different just the circumstances, stories and severity of the emotions differ but the overall emotions remain same.

For me I regret things from the time I have had the memories to recollect. Like not beating the shit out of people who hurt me in ways unexplainable since I was as little as a 4 year old. Or how I was neglected as I did not have the face card to play, as I was not the generic fair and pretty, and brains did not pay me well too. I regret being all sweet and nice to people who were pretending to be my besties all the way, and how I was a mere stair for them to step on me and climb up. I have always regretted how I do not have one single childhood friend to call as a friend, the one who knew all my secrets who saw me growing and who grew with me through the stages of life. I regret how I had several chances of calling someone “my love”, and then brag about finding “my one” at sweet sixteen and make a billion videos on how sweet my journey has been. I have regretted not giving my brain a chance to shine as bright as it could be, imagine if I would have started publishing when I actually started writing I would be a great star by now (just kidding). I regret on missing on my school and college days, when I had a chance to escape the rat race for good, and only some excuses would have helped me, I miss the days that went by too fast and how I simply sat as an observer rather than doing anything, and today how I have become too scared to do anything else as I have the knowledge for analyzing the dire consequences, and how I am settling for a easy simple life but want an exceptional life, with love, fame, money and everything you name it I will have it. The list of regrets is so long that I can probably write a book on it.

But

While I was remembering regrets I also had the chance to think on the whole story around them, so I also became super impressed and proud of almost all the little things that I did, like how I became strong both mentally and physically by 11 and created an aura people would fear to breach saving myself from things that usually goes nasty for people. I am in love with my brain for exploring itself and opening its own avenues. People might find me reserved or so but I absolutely love how I can live happily with a very small number of people around me. After all the fewer the people, the lesser are the chances of getting hurt and crying ugly. Oh from ugly I remember how once I only used to praise my long eyelashes and be sad on how I did not have fair and even toned skin, how I was not pretty looking and had no idea how to look pretty and girly, and now I have grown to be a beautiful person inside-out and I need nobody to tell me that, doesn’t mean that I don’t like praises on looks, but I know I have people around me who genuinely praise me for how I look, my once very conscious self can now smile wide with uneven teeth set, carry a pimple patch on the cheek and absolutely slay without makeup on a bad hair day and make heads turn even with the oversized clothes on😉 (I don’t care if that head turned due to some other reason, it turned for me that matters😁). I love how I have gained the power to be calm when the storm is raging inside, how I can lead people with everyone’s individual growth without worrying about how I am being used, just focusing on how we are doing good and learning together and how I have developed a method to sympathize with everyone’s reason of doing things. How I sometimes can forgive, though forgetting is not my thing. I love how I have people who will join me ahead in life, will have so much to talk about everything we did till now, and know about each other. How I have so many unspoken one sided love stories to tell. And how I also have the liberty to nag “my love” who is yet to come about how I missed him for not being in my life any sooner. And how we could enjoy every moment even more with greater love since we missed out on some days before, how we will get to be kids in front of each other again and grow with each other again. I am also in absolute awe of how things have turned, because there were so many chances which would have taken me to the place worse than the one I am at the moment, it's amazing how I have managed to live a normal, healthy life up till now. According to me I did reach a rock bottom phase, where I found myself drowning, but somehow I found the reason to push back a little. I did find the reason to stay and see the welcoming sky above the water, though the water is deep so I am yet too far to reach above, but the underwater life has to offer beauty that's missing in the air above. I am not loosing on it too.

You see how the list of points around the regret is longer than the regret itself, that if I am writing a book on regrets I will write two books with the points that my regrets taught me or made me grow. 

Having no regrets is overrated and impossible according to me. Embracing the regrets is what we need. Imagine you are in a car, you are not the driver, circumstances are, so you just have to sit and react. One side it the sun shining too bright for us to even sparkle so all we do is get burn but never turn the head to the other side, the side where there is a sunflower farm, where all those flowers are growing big and bright, where butterflies are dancing and birds are singing, where we are not getting our faces burned but only getting contented at heart with the miraculous beauty. The only requirement is to turn the head to the other side. Sometimes the other side might not have a sunflower farm, it might have a barren land, that’s the possibility too. But then we always have the option to look ahead. The roads might have a lot of mist but taking baby steps is what counts. Stopping the car is never an option, going back could never happen. I absolutely understand how the best of the past pulls us from the present and tells us that only if the turn was different we would have reached the sunflower field rather than the barren fields, and happiness of past becomes the load of present. But then why neglect the possibilities of the future, a lot of sun gives sunburn. Sometimes going to a cold snowy place is the destination for peace. 

I am currently in a misty place, no visibility at all. I have been here for sometime now, but I will be out, I have to be, my wants are too big to not get fulfilled while I have got to live in this material world!😉 So, next time let's meet a little ahead on this misty road, hopefully I am already in the sunflower land, just the mist ball is around my car, but as it decreases I will have something beautiful to look at. Till then I am increasing the volume of my car’s stereo and listening to Album Proof from dancing butterflies and singing birds, BTS, you all should also know I am somewhere around to listen and talk, probably just blabbering but who cares? Love and hugs with lots of beautiful songs from BTS.