Midnight Nostalgia

Copyright © WD, 2021 All rights reserved.

People around me often ask why do I have a messed-up schedule. Well, that is because I can not decide when to sleep and when not to. Lately, my sleep is being angry with me, it used to be my best friend, but now we do not share much time. I can barely sleep for an hour straight. Nights are not fluent. I keep on waking up after every hour or can not sleep at all. I suppose this is the issue with most of us. We feel tired yet, we fail to sleep. (This is the lyrics from the song I love the most.)

Most of the time, you will find yourself awake at midnight, tip-toeing throughout the house to steal something to eat (even if you are alone). Chocolates, chips, strawberries and cigarettes (I am quoting a song again!), cake, etc. I am personally a sugar addict. If you live alone or you live in a mansion-like house where no one can hear you, then instant noodles can become your perfect nighttime snack with a cup of coffee. I should now acknowledge all the songs that I have been stating above and that serene playlist that you might have saved after your awful breakup, the music in your ears, the coffee in your hands, and the bowl of noodles the whole mood becomes aesthetic. The dark blue and purple hues of the night sky and the shimmering of the little far away stars seem to form a combination of keys that unlocks the feelings. The feelings that we lock up every new morning just so that we can work properly.

Every night these feelings and memories rush out when you think they were over but, they never left. Even the happiest moments from the past bring tears to your eyes as you do not cherish them but miss them. People, laughter, crazy situations we sail ourselves through everything that comes into mind with those sips of coffee. I find it strange that both the happy and the sad moments from the past give us the same feeling in the present. Am I sick? I often wonder. We might be tired and feel like going for a full body massage but, our hard-working brain never lets us do that. The mind and soul are best friends I suppose they can not live without torturing the other a perfect best friend relationship.

After drinking coffee and starting with the noodles, there is a transition from the past to the future. This shift completely neglects the presence and importance of the present. You start thinking about money, all about the loans that you might have to take or you already are in the burden of, all that you plan on buying when you have “enough” money. You think of health, yours and all those whom you love. The health factor has gained its importance after Corona. You think of love, different stories brew in your mind, from the past, and mostly imagination for the perfect future. All this takes you deeper into dark caves of emotionless thoughts. We just do not know what to do. Even if we are thinking of love, we do not feel anything like love at that moment.     

Only then does our mind command, “Darling it’s already 3 A.M. I think you should go sleep”.

And your heart says, “Shut up! Let me just figure out what just happened”.

And this is how a never-ending fight between two best friends starts. By that hour we are tired, all from the day and, those thoughts drain us. Some of us here are pragmatic people and, we would not go disturbing our friends at the point, yet some of us can not stop whining in front of our friends. Even when they do not have any solution, no one has and never will. But these friends are all we can rely on during times like this. The ones that can not or do not go out for help indulge in a heavy amount of streaming movies, songs, series, or everything. During all this, we don’t feel anything. We just keep doing something deprived of sleep without any particular reason.

I know all this might sound depressing on its own because it is. I can not expect myself happy and cheerful all the time because I am not. And no one should force happiness on themselves. It's okay to feel sad or feel nothing at all. I am low-key waiting for it to trend on Twitter, “Normalize feeling nothing”, something like that. Pretending to be happy is an issue in itself. People take you for granted. They think that everything around you is happening when it is all messed up like anyone else's. Sometimes I wonder if there is a person who is entirely mess-free and happy! Even at times when I am genuinely happy, I somehow end up questioning my happiness. That’s funny, right? That is life, I suppose. We all overthink.

Okay! By now probably half of you might have left, so for those who chose not to leave we should have a light-hearted talk. Most of us go through all of the aforementioned circumstances and do more or less similar things. At least once during all this, we consider ourselves being the main lead in a movie or series. I do it, almost whenever I sit on the windowpane during dark nights with deep thoughts, the imagination of myself as the beautiful and charismatic main lead creeps in. This thought has the power to refresh my mood. If you never got this thought during your challenging times, this blog will act as the seed. Next time when you are going to have this thought of being the main lead, remember all cameras are being focused on you. Trust me, when you will become your own muse, you will stop dwelling in the past. Just like we wait for the premiere of new episodes, you will wait to unfold what’s next.

So my dear reader, oops the dear main lead, I hope you will find tomorrow’s episode a bit more interesting, clear, and happy to work on.

P.S.: I have duly attached the songs that I have mentioned earlier, ENJOY!!