Copyright © WD, 2025 All rights reserved.
I used to think love was inevitable; now it feels invented
or maybe just a hoax. Since past 3 years I have deliberately indulged in asking
my kins around randomly about what is “Love”, there was no answer that made me pin
it as the epitome of the answers. So, I just figured out there is no damn right
answer, there are so many permutations and combinations of human personalities
and feelings that I feel it’s difficult for even the Gods to understand the way
we are having evolution in our spectrum of feelings. Love being the supreme emotion
in that.
I believe we always hold at least two emotions at once, with
happiness which might also feel like blessing, we often feel a striking pain in
the corner of our heart as we try to hold on to that very moment of happiness
and that’s how we feel both blissful happiness and bittersweet passing of time,
just like all my dreams are like rewinding my little brother’s childhood, in my
dreams he is still 3 years old, speaks a lot and loves me the most, maybe this
is love. When anger comes in its entirety, it often brings sadness and/or guilt
of being angry. Anger is a single feeling that scares me the most, and more than
anyone else’s anger I am scared of my own. In that moment the entire world
collapses, rationale breaks all boundaries, and just pure rage takes over, nothing
reasons and no statement makes me stop from overstepping the walls I curated
over all these years. Till today only one person has the power to bring me back
from there, and that is my mother, even when she has seen me get hysterically mad
in anger multiple times, she has never left me to deal with it alone, maybe
that’s love. With a tiring day end, I often feel how would my father feel
everyday for so many years when he returned home. And how we demanded to go out
eat stuff in a restaurant or maybe go on drives, I only understand it today
after doing a job that’s identical to his that all I crave after travelling is
home cooked food and sleep on my own bed, but he never said no, if not
restaurant he would at least take us on a drive even after driving for hours on
his business trips, his irritation would not vanish I am sure, but it was just
overpowered by the joy of having his family with him in that moment, that’s
love.
While we all do understand this love, the idea of “romantic
love” is still something that’s not really clear. It’s crazy how we just give
in, telling people the deepest secrets and things that you decided to take with
you to your grave. How we end up thinking about them in all random situation,
how we give power to the other person, who we had no idea that they existed for
so long in our life. We eventually do go ahead and decide to be partners for
life and create life together, that’s a serious bet. I usually wonder what will
I be in next few years, in that scheme of life, trusting that someone else who
is not you, to be still relevant in your life is an irrational commitment. BUT
WE STILL MAKE IT. Whatever love is, I am sure I did not choose to love someone
again, and the need for it to exist between two people is to happen again, and
again, and again, with the same person, all over again. I won’t deny the fact
that I have felt all giddy and happy, jumped around on a single text, glowed like
a new pearl who saw the sunlight for the first time after coming out of the
deepest trench in the ocean. My first ever confession was thankfully dreamy yet
personal. Dreamy because in the middle of the night after I confessed the sky
had fireworks, that we both could see from our places. Personal because I don’t
know how he reacted, but I know how I reacted, how I felt, how my peripheral body
was cold as a corpse and my heart was working overtime to keep me in senses,
and how just after I confessed “I like You”, my brain decided to shut down. As
if it worked so hard to just contemplate to say these words to a person. It was
also personal because even if I was later told he fell for me first, I was the
one who was into it with my whole heart, no games, no plays, with the honesty
of a sage, I wanted to eventually fall in love. But to my absolute astonishment
it only took 72 hours for my brain to rework and come back to the track. This
was not the first time I did something like this.
I have this tendency of taking things awfully slow, it was
so slow that people got married before I could understand myself, nothing to
worry, because I also am very cautious, not everyone we meet can meet our level
of involvement in the relationship, there has always been that mismatch. And
because of that I have always made sure that my well protected heart doesn’t
get too affected. I have had my share of pain to bear, not adding a heart break
love story is the best thing I can do about it. So, I somehow carry on with
scratches, and it is what I tell people too. Our heart is something only we can
care about, people do come, the time with them is also very rosy and beautiful
but it doesn’t necessarily last forever, the pain they impose is something we
can choose to let go. It is difficult but what is worse is not giving ourselves
the chance to experience the possibility of a love that’s permanent. There is a
saying “We won’t know how strong is the tea bag just by looking at it, we need
to put it in the hot water to see the colour, same goes for love, we won’t know
how strong it is until it’s tested in boiling water”. One of that permanent
love is the love we have for ourself, the only time we can be dependent and no
one else will feel the burden of it, because I feel that if another person’s
dependency is a burden, it is a shallow feeling overall. I won’t stop testing
love in hot water; I will, however, choose which cups I steep myself in.
I have done it all, overshared to the point that the person
sitting on the other side could not even comprehend. I have let my vulnerability
to take the best of my decisions, because even when I confessed about liking
that person it was done a year before the intended time, but do I regret it?
No, I would have regretted if that never happened, what also feels wrong is the sabotage
of that little something on a forum where people will read it, but the truth is,
I couldn’t care any less. People have so nonchalantly told me that I am a “marriage
person”, “good girl”, they have told me that they love me and have proceeded to
explain some other girl as their type, turns out I was only the best possible
option, a good girl, understanding, independent, not at all clingy, no drama-no
demands. I have always been a busy person, if nothing I will create something to
keep myself busy. Like last Sunday I was a little free so I decided to burn food
and then spend the entire day cleaning up the mess. Just like I have done for
myself over the years, again and again. How easily they could ask me about
moving on, little that they know I hold a piece of someone from 18 years ago in
my heart because he asked me if I was feeling okay on that gloomy day, not
treating me like the best option for once. (We can park the fact that he was
also the junior school’s absolute heartthrob, and only I was the person unaware
of that). This brings me to a very important inference; I value genuine communication
more than anything else. With time the list of what I like and don’t has become
very elaborate but this is not the place and time to discuss that.
The important point is are we ready to love someone in the
first place, or we are just giving in for the best possible option and eventually
call that love. Just disguising convenience as love, and calling it a love
story. Are we sure that it is not a want and a status symbol for the society but
something, rather someone that we need in our life? Are we confident that the
love that is driven by trust and warmth, then by passion and lust, and
eventually by commitment and need born out of peace and depth that is brought
on by the other person.
“Love is like a rainbow. Love shines through the spectrum of colours, each
one with its own meaning. Red is passion. Orange is warmth. Yellow is happiness.
Green is peace. Blue is trust. Indigo is depth. Violet is mystique.” – Beyond The
Bar, 2025
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